I still love myself, and I only want the best for myself.

Hi everyone, How are you all? I have like 8 posts in the drafts and I can’t believe the last time I posted on this blog was 4 months ago, how time passes. My life recently has just been a multitude of good and bad news constantly, and I’m just trying to figure things out as I go.

Are you doing well though? I’m doing okay, I’ve recently gone through some not-so-great things, so I’m just trying to figure things out to the best of my abilities. I’m still working and studying and working out and having fun, but it really does at times feel like it’s a lot for some reason.

My mood fluctuates every now and then, I definitely feel sad and anxious at times but also immensely happy and overwhelmed. The problem with that is that I’m not sad all the time, and neither am I happy all the time. I just exist in the middle somewhere where it’s this unending loop of suffering and joy.

I recently read a book, (which I’ve read in the past) called “I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki” which was something that caught my eye because I thought it was a funny thing to say. Reading about was actually a warm hug that I really needed in a long time, I felt understood, as the author detailed her psychotherapy appointments and talked about her difficulties living with depression. A lot of her sessions reminded me of some of the things that bugged me, and it was just really nice being well-understood by someone I hadn’t even met before.

As summer continues into its warmer and sunnier seasons, I realized how much I missed the light breeze and the warmth of the sun around me. I like the kind of temperatures where you can bring a light jumper outside, but a T-shirt would suffice as well, something around 24˚C. After working, or even after eating, I like just sitting outside and meditating/thinking by myself.

I’ve been liking spending time with myself a lot. I’ve always liked it, but I’m beginning to like it a lot more. I like getting to learn more about myself. I’ve been going back to the creative part of me, and been doing more hobbies that pertain to creation, I’ve been painting, drawing, writing, resin-making, cooking, knitting and stitching. Lately, I’ve been paying attention to my skincare routine, body care routine, hair care routine and nail routine, which I take big pride in. I’ve been really enjoying doing my own nails, lately, it’s been a simple pink nail with a little bit of glitter and a small piece at the top.

I really like blue skies without one cloud, I personally really like it when the sky is one uniform colour, but lately, the fires in Quebec block that from looking clear. I hope that the firefighters don’t hurt themselves, and others in that area are safe.

I realized that crying for no reason is actually full of a multitude of reasons. I find that the more I cry, the more I realize that it’s actually all these unmet needs and pent-up anger that were being expressed in the moment of just pure tears and sadness. Therefore, I wanted to say that, if you ever started crying for no reason, there is actually a reason, and you don’t need to beat yourself over it.

As I’m writing I’m tearing up again, I think deep down, I’ve been really burnt out. Just from everything. So many things, both good and bad happened in the past couple of months, and I’m definitely just over it at this point.

From police reports to loss, to failures, to breakups, but also there have been successes, financial gains, improvement of health, new friendships and relationships, but out of everything, I just want even a small amount of peace. I sometimes wonder though, I probably do have peace, I just don’t know it yet.

Maybe I’ll take a year off? Who knows. I really like learning, but I can’t seem to be happy in my academics when I’m struggling so much mentally and emotionally. I don’t know why but I’m just so exhausted at the moment.

I’ve been getting asked out a lot recently, whether it's an actual ask out to a relationship or a date or to just grab a coffee, I've been getting lots of requests. This isn’t to brag, but sometimes I just observe events in my life and watch in the third person. On one hand, I'm thankful that lots of people want to spend time with me, but I honestly just don't have the energy at the moment. I also really like being alone at the moment, or even if I was in a relationship, I just want one that would let me be alone without feeling lonely.

I hope that the relationship that comes to me next will be filled with laughter, where I can be childish, and something that comes naturally. I hope that it’ll be fun and supportive, but more than anything I hope it comes from a place of authenticity. I want a kind of love it’s in this loop where the love makes you become a better person, and in turn, I want to try harder with love because love makes me a better person. A self-perpetuating loop of love with an underlying note of self-love and self-improvement. So far, I’m thankful I have Aisha and Diana for that but I welcome the other loves, whether it’s platonic or romantic.

I think I’ve been getting better with my friendships and relationships with others. Before, I felt like I would tolerate people, and make the excuse that “they’re just humans” but I realized I’m just human too, and there’s a level of tolerance, that once it exceeds turns the relationship from respectful to disrespectful. I found the moment I try “harder” because I question the validity of a relationship/friendship, that’s when the friendship should end. It took 21 years, but I hope it will be useful moving forward. I don’t want to be drained by meaningless relationships.

I hope that after everything though, as I am going through something dreadful and difficult, crying almost on a regular basis, I am still full of love and light.

I hope that instead of being someone that is “bright” every day, I am able to fill myself with light, intentionally and consciously. I hope that the waves of life no matter how difficult and devasting, don’t drown me but shower me with newfound wisdom and blessings.

After all the things that have happened since 2020, I am still trying to this day to make everything better, after being thrown at with so many things, I am still trying and I hope that one day I can look back and give myself a hug. I still hope for something better, which I think is the reason why I keep going.

The title of the blog post is actually from one of my favourite K-dramas “Another miss oh”, this one came out 7 years ago, but it is still one of my favourite K-dramas. Haeyoung’s story is really complicated, and there are times when she wants to give up and simply die, she’s a little messier, and quite insecure as she is constantly compared to another person by others, but Haeyoung still tries, despite everything, she still tries, hoping for something better.

I’ve been relating to that quote a lot, just because even after everything, I still hope, and I hope for the better. In this scene where she comes to terms with the situation and the shitty reality she’s going through, she says, “I don’t want to be someone else, I want to be me. I only wanted to improve my present self a little bit. I still love myself, and I only want the best for myself.”

The last part is my favourite, but I’ll retranslate and leave it there before the post gets any longer. In Korean, Haeyeoung says, “I still love, care, am affectionate towards myself, and I hope for the best for myself, still after everything”.

난 내가 여전히 애틋하고 잘 되길 바래요, 여전히.