so… what are we

My observations on dating, hookup and situationships.

This is quite literally the first thing I asked my now ex-boyfriend (If you’re reading this lol i’m so sorry). We hung out, had dinner and I fell asleep at his place, and I woke up in the middle of the night and forced him to have the “talk” with me. Ultimately, we ended up dating. But I credit that to my naturally anxious personality that refused uncertainty and was deadset on maintaining clear boundaries and proper consent on both sides. The conclusion was a relationship because we found out we both liked each other, but that alone took so much time and thinking. Leading up to this, I had a lot of questionable moments with my now ex-boyfriend. This brings me to my point about how dating culture in university lacks clarity and is blurry, confusing, messy and questionable.

Gossip Girl (2007)

University, 18-22-year-olds, young adults, this is the time in our life when we take on new responsibilities of our life without the full development of our frontal lobe, meaning that we technically are still within the adolescent stage during mental development. We go through this period of time in a pretty messy way, as we try to grasp being both a teen and an adult simultaneously. This is where we figure out ourselves and figure out how to go about life. This is why it’s my personal hell, as I don’t like being left in the dark, and this period of my life feels like I am left in the dark.

Although I didn’t start dating until university, dating during middle and high school, was much simpler in my opinion. Dating culture defined relationships as one or another, either they were “officially dating” or they were “just fucking around”. Of course, I remember high school still being messy. There was still a fair share of the drama that comes with love, sex, relationships and high school. People still cheated on each other, or went through a very messy breakup, while lots and lots of people bragged about their sexual experiences, with guys openly sharing their conquests, and girls giving details to their close-knit group of friends about their experiences. I can not tell you, how many times I recall receiving text messages and paragraphs, from both the girlfriend and the boyfriend. It was interesting seeing them express the same event from two different points of view, but I digress.

The dating culture in university is so much more complex and confusing than that of high school. I don’t know if it’s because of the uncertainty, and self-discovery that the period between 18-22 brings to young people that they don’t want to clarify anything with a title. It feels like navigating through a bar without prescription glasses when you need them. Things aren’t clear, but you still get the gist in the midst of chaos. The lack of clear boundaries and consent is what leads to sexual assault and harassment in university.

In University, the options for the titles are so much more complex than that of high school, it’s either “they’re dating” or “we’re just fucking around”, “we’re just hooking up”, or “we’re talking”, “we’re hanging out”, “it’s complicated”, “it’s casual”, “it’s just sexual” and my personal favourite, “we’re just friends”.

This lack of title, in a predominantly monogamous society, makes the silent rules about dating blurry. Can you talk to that guy you met in class even though he seems to have a close girl friend? Can you ask the girl at the party for her ig when she came to the party with another guy? If you start talking to someone else while hooking up with another person, are you cheating? How many guys can you talk to at once before you’re considered deviant or a cheater? How long must the talking stage be before you can start being sexual with them? If you want to be casual but they want to be exclusive, is it negotiable or do you need to break it off?

Marina Abramović in Rest Energy (1980)

At this time, I find that the most interesting word that comes to mind is: commitment. It basically defines sex and relationships during this time. A lot of young people’s attitudes and behaviours in social interactions is based on commitment. For young adults, dating at this time is determining if the person is worth being exclusive with. The easiest way to tell the difference between friend-with-benefits and a lover is whether it’s a one-night stand OR you’re introducing them to your parents. The categorization of the relationship depends on the length and level of commitment.

I find the social narratives of commitment to be an interesting topic of discussion when talking about the social identities of young 20-somethings: It’s embarrassing when only one person wants commitment, but it’s cute when both people want commitment. You’re perceived as being “mature” when you can hook up without commitment, but “immature” when you start developing a desire for commitment. It also creates this scarcity of the idea of commitment, that it is something very rare, and uncommon. If you see commitment, it is something extremely special.

I believe that the increase of people pursuing situationships is because it’s more casual and mindful about modern relationships. It differentiates itself from traditional relationships and promotes casual sex without emotional energy and responsibility, which relates back to commitment, or the lack thereof.

Situationships allow people to do everything a couple would but without the attachment or the title. It is the awkward space between more than friends but not a committed relationship. It’s more than friends, definitely similar to a friends-with-benefits but not quite, because you get emotional fulfillment more than that of a friends-with-benefits, same or less amount of sexual activity, but incredibly high levels of stress, jealousy and confusion. It’s like dating and having a relationship without the title and without the pressure of commitment. Simply put, it’s a fun way to enjoy the benefits of a relationship without a major commitment.

Oh, your situationship is talking to another girl? Your situationship slept over at your place? Your situationship wants to hang out with your friend? - this is all allowed to varying degrees, but nevertheless, it’s technically acceptable.

(I’ll tell my friends, their situationship talking to other girls is fucked up, but technically allowed. Bestie, he’s price matching, if he wants to talk to other girls, you can too!)

la vie d’adèle (2013)

I talk about situationships from my ongoing confusion about sex and relationships during my early 20s and during my university experience. I often give people the wrong signal unintentionally because I tend to be extremely well-spoken, quite approachable, and not afraid to talk to strangers, and although social interactions drain the living daylights out of me, no one is able to tell in that exact moment. I get text messages, or DMs or questions from my friends asking me if I “like” him when I never once thought or wanted to express a desire for them romantically or sexually (I personally think that this is partly due to racist, sexist and misogynistic stereotypes about Asian women and that of patriarchy but again, I digress).

Casual sex triggers different reactions in others, which I find interesting. You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. If you’re sexually active and sexually casual - you’re a slut. If you’re not sexually casual or active - you’re a prude.

I have friends with body counts (I hate this word so much because it makes people sound like a murderer) that exceed the tens and twenties, and friends who have yet to hold hands with the other sex, and I always tell them the same thing, to both my friends - Do what you want, and who you want. Make sure it’s consensual and you’re practicing safe sex. Everyone is figuring it out. Don’t rush into things if you don’t feel fully comfortable, and don’t stay in situations to avoid uncomfortable conversations. Put yourself first above all, and stay safe (also ladies, he pays for plan b, not you).

Whether you’re in it casually or you’re committed, I hope that the decisions you make about your personal relationships with others come from a place of autonomy, authenticity, and self-love.